Introduction

As any Bad Gas reader knows, one of my biggest bugbears is the assault and buggery of the English language. People who can't punctuate, spell or construct a correct sentence should have their hands cut off and then be punched in the ass with them repeatedly.

But, even after all that, I have plenty of bilious hatred left in the tank. And I'd like to reserve a good measure of it for this man. Why? Because he invented the emoticon.

Alongside its siblings, the lazy, ugly abbreviation (OMG, LOL, ROFL) and the numerical substitute (for -> 4, to -> 2, later -> l8r), the emoticon has turned armies of Internet users into retarded, knuckle-dragging proto-humans. If you need proof, look at this example of electronic neanderthal grunting randomly plucked from a "Nu-Metal" messageboard:

Do you feel embarrassed that you are almost genetically identical to these fuckjaws? I do. Don't worry. You can reclaim the Internet by following my three essential pieces of chatroom/messageboard advice:

1. Always behave like a troll. Remember: whatever it is, you're against it.
2. Ensure that every post or message you submit is formulated in perfect Queen's English. (If you're about to moan that it takes too long to express yourself fully using a computer, go and learn to touch type. You're a human, not a cunting chimpanzee.)
3. Don't use emoticons; use "demoticons". Emoticons were invented to stop people getting offended by messageboard comments; a demoticon is a combination of emoticons designed to cause offence.

The last piece of advice brings me to the crux of the matter. Whether you're a pseudo-Zionist upsetting neo-Nazis with talk of Jewish supremacy or a pseudo-Creationist ruffling gay feathers with fervent claims that "God Hates The Gays", you might find the following dictionary of standard MSN demoticons useful. By all means use them. But, even better, create your own.

Demoticon Dictionary

	I am a homo
	I don't like homos
	I fully support al Qaeda
	I am from New Zealand
	I am a racist
	I can't achieve an erection
	You are a fucking geek and I'd like to punch you in the face
	I enjoy anal rape
	I like golden showers
	I strongly disapprove of mixed-race marriages
	I enjoy laughing at people who suffer from bad acne
	I have perpetrated date rape on at least one occasion
	I often drink too much and end up having sex with ugly women
	I hate ravers
	I regularly practise oral sex with dogs
	I'm going on a Thai sex holiday tomorrow
	That's the last time I go down on a prostitute
	I hate French people
	People who enjoy office parties are cunts
	I like making sick phonecalls
	Sending letters full of anthrax to Americans is good fun
	I am an enthusiastic consumer of internet animal porn
	Operation Ore have been round again
	Hello, son. Do you want to see some puppies? Don't tell anyone.
	I hate Stevie Wonder

Reclaim the Internet from the brainless. Offend everyone. Offend them eloquently. But, most importantly, long live the demoticon. And, of course, if you have a favourite demoticon, send it to Nobody (nobody@badgas.co.uk).

(Thanks to Fanley, Sylvester and Richard Awkward for demoticonic contributions.)