If you've ever been embarrassed when some no-mark with an elaborate cocktail,
a huge mobile phone and sovereign rings comes up to you, going "Cushty, cushty",
chances are you're either Nicholas Lyndhurst or you're at a corporate bash and
suffering the ass-dilatingly awful attentions of one of Britain's many
professional "lookalikes".
The only real fun to be had with lookalikes is realizing how utterly shit
they are. After you see some bloke on the street and you've agreed with your
friend that he looks like Whoopi Goldberg, the joke is over. But some people
get paid to look like Whoopi Goldberg for a whole evening. They have their
photo taken with Dave from Accounts and go home. And such easy money is
attracting some real dross to this already rubbish industry. So showcasing
their pathetic efforts is the least these parasites deserve.
"Heeeeeeere's Chubby." Because he's so shit, Roy Chubby Brown seems to think
he can make it as Jack Nicholson.
Oh dear, it's all gone Pete Wrong for Mark(y Mark) Wahlberg.
Ooh, ooh, I know this one. Tom Cruise. Er, Justin Timberlake, erm, George Michael?
Hang on - Colin Farrell. It's Colin Farrell, isn't it? It's not? Erm. Well it's
sure as hell not David Beckham.
Perhaps the work as a lookalike for freezer-truck victim Carbone from
Goodfellas dried up. This chap's now trying to pass himself off as
Tom Jones.
I have to say I'm flattered by this guy. His tribute to me aged 17 is
spot on. But I looked nothing like Jack Osbourne. Brilliantly,
neither does he.
E-mail me
(fanley@badgas.co.uk)
to tell me who you think this is supposed
to be. You can have the Video Library password if you get it right.
This spastic hasn't worked out that Marilyn Manson's
not actually a woman. I hope she gets no bookings.
"The name's Cook. Robin Cook." Because it's not Sean Connery.
With Star Wars always being a popular party theme, you can hire your own
Yoda. But Yoda will happily crank out a few Gandhi
impressions if you fancy changing to an "Indian Fight for Independence"
theme halfway through the night.
If the English football team were coached by Larry Grayson perhaps they'd
win more silverware. As it is, they're stuck with the philandering
Swede who had his boss's sloppy seconds. He's pure class, that
Sven.
With "Friends" like this Essex scrubber in a terrible wig, up
against her knuckle-dragging old man's shed in Dagenham, who needs
Jennifer Aniston?
So that the audience can remember which of them is which, Ant & Dec are
contractually obliged always to stand in the same order.
I think lookunlikes should be contractually obliged to look like
the people they're supposed to be.
Who can forget the cry of "Ooh, Matron!" that brought laughter to so
many people and boredom to so many Sunday afternoons? I heard Prince Charles
is such a "Carry On" fan that he tries to look like Kenneth Williams.
This funny man is always the Reich and soul of any party. The fact that
it's just someone's fat Dad in a shit costume is neither here nor there
for real fans of Adolf Hitler. Available for weddings, children's
parties and bar mitzvahs.
Make no mistake, I've always hated Harry Potter and the "adults"
who read this childish fantasy gayness. But now I've got a whole new reason to
loathe him. Do this poor kid's pushy parents really think he's a Potter
lookalike, the blindoes?
S Club 7's Rachel Stevens is often voted as a "hot babe" by the readers of
teenage wank mags like Nuts, Zoo, FHM and so on. That would soon change if
she looked like this.
Wayne Rooney is understandably very popular on the lookunlike scene at the
moment but, with Danny from Hear'Say doing panto and me busy with Bad Gas,
these three convicts have had to submit their mug shots for your
consideration.
Contemporary politics are a big hit at corporate events.
So who better than a simply dismal lipstick-headed Mikhail Gorbachev
to welcome your guests with
a glass of champagne and a joke about Beslan?
I have every doubt that this deluded PVC bitch looks like
Gwen Stefani.
The Office is often excruciatingly awkward and painfully
funny. But it's not a patch on some mongs' attempts to make a living
as David Brent or Tim
lookalikes.
I'll make you an offer you can't refuse: if you stop thinking you
look like Robert De Niro, I won't put a horse's head
in your Jap's eye.
I think there's an Ali G in here somewhere but this hilarious man of
many faces looks like he's been rummaging through his mum's dressing-up box and
come up with a hellish edition of "Punchlines".
Wash the gel out of his hair and this Gareth Gates does a mean young John Travolta too.
The response to the last mystery lookunlike was unsurprisingly better than
the lookunlike itself. Let's try again. This man clearly drives for an executive
car service. He's also the perfect double for a certain actor. A prize if you
can name him. Send your answers to fanley@badgas.co.uk.
"We met this bloke in Orlando, right, and Dave said he looked just like
that Terry Venables, didn't you, love?" Florida's for pricks.
I don't mind good lookalikes. For example, here's an excellent Steve McQueen.
And here's a shit one.
Similarly, the trapezoid Sophie Ellis Bextor gets a decent tribute here.
But then there's this.
Maybe if Christ had actually worn a collar and a lambswool jumper, and
hadn't dressed like a Waterloo underpass dosser, Christianity wouldn't
be dying on its gay ass.
Here's a famous Hollywood star. I'll give you the Video Library password
if you get it right. Email me at
fanley@badgas.co.uk
if you think you're hard enough.
You may have noticed that many of these lookunlikes actually resemble
someone else. That's because they're shit. Here's Lou Reed
trying to be Bob Dylan.
Come off it, pal; my cat looks more like Michael Howard than you and she's
been dead for four years.
Surely some blue candy floss and a pair of Elton John glasses will
make any 30-year-old man look like Dame Edna?
Think again.
I was going to invite people to guess this one.
But the truth is that nobody would stand a chance. Not even Madonna, and she
married the bloke. Sorry, I should mention
that it's Guy Ritchie, although it could just as easily be Sean Penn.
Amazing: an even worse Ghandi than the last one.
So bad he's even the wrong colour.
"Ooh, look at your lovely hair. Yeah, Natalie, you look just like that
Nicole Kidman off the films." Your friends are fucking liars, love.
Another case of props-over-talent; another Elton John; another
load of old cock.
Spanish golfing legend Seve Ballesteros is getting on a bit. But he'd probably
rather be dead than look like this hopeless lard-ass.
I share my birthday with Paul Scholes. That's more
than this bloke does.
This is getting silly. Here's another Sean Bean. It's not as if he's even
that big a star. More of one than the blokes claiming to look like him, mind.
I had no idea it would be possible to earn money from looking like
Vladimir Putin's Dad.
If you're thinking of becoming a lookalike, for God's sake ask someone's honest
opinion first. If you don't, you could end up in The Hall Of No-Fame. And if you spot
a Hall Of No-Fame candidate,
send details to fanley@badgas.co.uk.
Fanley
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