Introduction

Elsewhere on Bad Gas, it has been suggested that budding entrepreneurs who want to make a quick buck should think about opening up a fried chicken restaurant or forming an obscure, money-grabbing Christian sect. But what if you don't like the idea of poisoning people or hoodwinking them into thinking that God will love them if they give him all of their housing benefit?

The answer is simple: convince women in the underclass that if they adorn their fingernails with an over-elaborate mish-mash of coloured and bejewelled plastic, they will instantly become American movie stars. Of course, minutes after their pointless transformations, the underclassers will return to downtrodden lives of domestic violence, fast food and unwanted pregnancy. But that needn't bother you. You've got an eye for a business opportunity.

Choosing Your Location

To jump on the bandwagon and begin raking in wads of "Jobseeker's Allowance", here's what you need to do.

1. Pick an economically depressed area, preferably in South London, East London or, even better, South-East London.
2. Within that area, choose one of the many nasty urban "villages". If you don't have time to research the area fully, just pick any village whose name ends in "ham" (e.g. Peckham, Balham) or "ford" (e.g. Stratford, Ilford).
3. Travel to your chosen village and head for the dirtiest but busiest street.
4. Look for an empty shop that is surrounded by at least a couple of the following: an "Everything For A Pound" store, a branch of ShoeFayre, a job centre, a fried chicken restaurant and a convenience store that cashes cheques.
5. Rent the shop, decorate the interior with gaudy pictures of Jerry Springer audience members flashing their nails at the camera, and buy a few crates of nail-sized pieces of plastic and some felt-tip pens.

Branding

Now that your shop is kitted out and you're ready to start making deprived people feel good about themselves for ten minutes, you have to make the two most important decisions of all. What are you going to call your nail enterprise? And what kind of brand impact do you want your shop sign to have on povertesses in the area? As ever, follow the rules.

1. First and foremost, try to connect your business with a glamorous city in America. A combination of the American flag and an actual reference to the city's name works best.
2. If your competitors in the area have used up all the good American cities, choose a name that hints at escapism, sensuality and/or mystery. The message? "Pay me a lot of money to put these plastic things on your fingers and you will instantly be transported into a Jackie Collins book or a rap video."
3. Depict an elegant lady's hand holding something delicate like a flower. This implies sophistication. "Pay me a lot of money to put these plastic things on your fingers and tall, dark strangers will romance you rather than throwing their spare change at you."
4. Add a subtitle to your sign to reinforce the message that you are offering a service that is "professional" and "American" and somehow involves taking "care" of people's nails.
5. Opt for a colour scheme that subliminally reinforces the American connection (reds, whites, blues) but also emphasises femininity (pinks) and sensuality (golds, purples).

Before you rush off on your preliminary tour of "hell on earth", you might benefit from a spot of competitor analysis. Why not pick up some tips from the myriad "fail bars" already out there?

Examples

1. You can't get much more glamorous than the home of professional, Germanic, tiger-fiddling pooves Siegfried and Roy: Las Vegas. This is excellent signage. The delicate female hand holding four aces is set off nicely by the purple and gold colour scheme. And in case you were in any doubt about the genuine American credentials, the canopy says it all.
2. Everything about this shop suggests the seductive glamour of Hollywood. No it doesn't. It's a load of shit. As for displaying a backwards American flag, you could be shot for that in Texas.
3. The allure of Hollywood is understandable. These nailtrepreneurs have a better stab at capturing it. Not only will you think you're in Hollywood when you walk in, but you'll actually feel like a "star". The word "Star", the American "stars and stripes" flag being forced into the shape of a star; the concept of being a film "star"; all this is a semiologist's wet dream. It's complex. And I like it.
4. Just out of interest, this is what a real Hollywood nail bar offering "Professional USA Nail Care For Ladies & Gentlemen" looks like. They've moved on a long way. Minimalism is the new craze.
5. And it seems that some British nail pioneers are following suit.
6. Oh look. The semiotics of the star again. But there's just not enough going on in this sign to capture a teenage mother's attention. If you're going to think through your brand this poorly, you might as well pack up and piss off now. (Perhaps they already have.)
7. Now, "crystal" is a wise association; it conjures up expense, delicacy, sophistication and beauty. So why ruin a decent idea with only half an American flag and a mission statement that is little more than a jumble of business buzzwords?
8. Some might regard this sign as overkill. I disagree. You need to hammer the message home because the people you are trying to attract can barely read. There is so much going on here: the name of the city in striking red, the American flag, the Manhattan skyline (complete with Twin Towers), the Statue of Liberty and, to top it all, Freddy Krueger's hand. Genius.
9. Lisa is a crafty bitch. She has realised that if you put the "L" and the "I" in her name close together and squint, it looks like USA. The "star" theme rears its head once more. Sadly, so does the reversed American flag.
10. New York is a popular choice of city. The Statue of Liberty and the incorporation of stars and stripes into the name are just right; the vomitorious use of colour and the offer of "nails designs" are just wrong.
11. The name of this shop is witless and uninspiring. And the font would feel more at home on the fascia of a 1970s British launderette. That said, the pink/red/white/blue colour scheme, the tenderly grasped rose and the American flag (correctly oriented) save the day.
12. I hope the owners of this place really do keep it "secret". If any Oklahoman gun lobbyists spot it, they might blow the shit out of it for "flag reversal" sacrilege.
13. These people know what they're doing. An elegant cursive font; a basic but correct colour scheme; a simple reference to "America" bolstered by an attractive Liberty-Stars-'n'-Stripes combo. These are the ingredients of success.
14. The "star" motif again. But this time there are five. So it must be good. The hand holding the container of nail polish is a nice feature. But why the triplets of mottled relay batons below the name? It's anyone's guess. And the "Five Star" proprietors should watch their backs; the Top Nails crew might have some words to say about copyright infringement.
15. "If we open a nail shop on Roman Road, what could we possibly call it?"
16. There are many commendable things here: the slender-hand-holding-nail-polish icon, the colours, the choice of aspirational name. But where's the Americana? Brave but risky branding.
17. Los Angeles is a glamorous city, in parts. So it works well in a nail shop name. But what the fuck has a big red triangle got do with it?
18. You need rule-breakers. Not a Statue of Liberty in sight and no mention of nails in the name. But a "sexy lady", a flower and a hand holding a chopstick and some ribbon. Interesting.
19. We've seen Millenium Perfect Fried Chicken. We know all about the Millenium Discount Store. Now we have Millennium Nails. Generic rubbish. I don't care if they've got the American flag the right way round.
20. Well done, Anna. You have all the prerequisites for a successful nail shop. The local unemployed fantasists will be swarming around you like flies round a shitty East London retail outlet.
21. A serifed font can give your sign an air of refinement, but if you're going to let your American flag droop like an unenthusiastic, flaccid penis you may as well not bother.
22. If you've got "five stars", don't bury them in an illegible colour; show them off. Certainly don't make a horrible blocky font the focus of your sign. People might think you're in the removals business.
23. This is a well-balanced brew of requisites, even down to the bashful Freddy Krueger wave. Nice work, Lilly.
24. If you want to incorporate a horror motif into your sign to scare school truants out of their cigarette money, don't go any further than "The Krueger". Otherwise, people might think you run a Halloween fancy dress shop.
25. In poor areas, youth rebellion is all about spitting, pre-pubescent sex and learning how to be illiterate. As an American Nail Professional, you can appeal to rebellious "girlz" by depicting a manicured hand in the process of "giving the finger" to the world.
26. If you use low quality lettering and let your name, "Las Vegas Nails", become "As Nails", not even a graceful hand holding a pink rose will save you.
27. Pure pink and white works nicely. But why ruin it with a picture of a woman picking her nose?
28. Breaking the rules with unorthodox colours and fonts is one thing; but a logo involving a blind man wearing lipstick is something else entirely.
29. Oh Cammy. You're clearly aspiring to the USA greats with your "slender-finger-holding-flower" iconography. But your nail bar ends up looking like a suburban charity shop.
30. When you hear "Chelmsford", you probably think of a miserable shithole in Essex. But don't let that prejudice you. It's also the name of a sophisticated style of American nail design.
31. Hollywood; stars and stripes; attractive blonde women; sexy italics; neon. This Colchester outlet achieves branding harmony. Find me a lady or a gentleman who wouldn't be drawn inside like a bluebottle to dogshit-stained concrete.
32. With nail-bar branding, the devil is often in the detail. You may think the use of industry-approved colouring, wording and hand/flower imagery is enough to ensure success. But a mediaeval font in which the some of the serifs look like misplaced apostrophes could make you the laughing stock of the local cosmetic cognoscenti.

Easy isn't it? Money for old rope; money for shitty plastic. Open your shop today; help thousands of disadvantaged women bring their empty aspirations to life for a few minutes; and watch your coffers fill up with crumpled five pound notes.