Google is very clever and everything but sometimes it's way off the mark. If you're feeling good to go, and you fancy knocking
one out in the privacy of your open-plan office, be warned that the "image search" facility of the world's most used search
engine can make matters a little tricky.
For example, I recently had cause to look up a photo of ageing British porn star Alicia Rhodes and the first option Google
offered me was this. Good work, Google - I'm happy. The trouble is, the next photo under the
same search string was this, and I lost my erection.
In an attempt to further illustrate the dangers of web-whacking with Google, I'd like to
offer a more in-depth example. Most connoisseurs and Sun readers will know who Jo Guest is.
That's right, she's a softcore model from Chesterfield who's getting on a bit now and
who everyone went off once they'd heard her speak. Look, here she is, eating an apple
in a candid photograph of her picnic.
I think she gets her clothes off later. Now, if you've not signed up to some expensive porn site or are too stupid
to find free ones, you're going to rely on things like Google to help you out.
Here are some more examples of pages you'll find if you search for Jo Guest in Google's image banks. But careful now,
you're going to be disappointed.
This one's going to stop you in your tracks. For a start it's a bloke and for afters he's wearing clothes.
You can't feel too cheated that Google has picked up "Guest" as it's there, nice and clear. Well done, Google. But look at the cheek of
allowing the full stop and apostrophe incorporated in the letters J and O. I'll be honest with you, this didn't do it for me.
Justin Timberlake is a good looking boy to be sure but, again, he's a man. And there's little that's going
to stop your average Google-whacker in mid-stroke than a picture of a bloke. And look, he's with another bloke. I think it's Spoony.
Where do they get these names? They are pointing to each other in a big-up fashion. Neither Justin nor the Dreem (sic) Teem (sic) are
going to be able to salvage this wank. However, top marks to Google for spotting the name "Jo" correctly this time.
Now here's a tricky one. In a tired or drunken moment the ironically named Stacie Short might be worthy of your squirt,
as might Dr. Miles Page's guest. One can only wonder how Miles got on that night. Stacie's not young, she's blonde, but she's not the
Jo Guest we are looking for. Make no mistake, the fact that she's wearing a homemade, folksy jerkin and is chatting to Rose West and Bette Midler
might well put you off. But if you put those things out of your mind you might not need to find the real Jo Guest after all.
I say give it a go. God knows I've had worse.
Weddings are great: booze, smart clothes, music. Good chance of action at these things. However, I've seen the
rest of this wedding photo series and it looks like it was a very dull affair. There was a Google-fooling "guest" book and then
there was young Jo, ruddy and confused after one conga too many, and off for a sit-down. Whether you consider this Jo an adequate
substitute for the real Jo is a matter for your own conscience. But don't come crying to me when Portsmouth locals burn your
house down, shouting something about paediatricians.
There is absolutely no chance that you can masturbate over this picture. Google has done too
thorough a job on this one and spotted the "guest" in the URL at the top. The "Jo" reference is fair enough though.
On the same page as this is a photo of a poodle in leathers, reading a book called The Big Book Of Harley-Davidson.
Despite such obvious attractions, I urge you not to go to this site; not only is Jo Guest not there but the
saccharine midi tune that plays is enough to irrevocably shrivel you into your own tummy.
Yes, yes, I know - it's not exactly what I was after either. From the innocent task of searching for some photos of a naked woman,
we now get this. For most men - myself included - there is no way I'm going to be able to fulfil my objective over these "Key West dudes".
Having said that, I think the poodle with the dummy in its mouth might actually be more offensive. But maybe that's just me.
From a technical point of view this page throws up an interesting question: does the "Jo" that Google is meant to have found come from the
"jo" in "blow job" or the reference to a "j/o scene"? I'm guessing that means "jack off" but I swear that's a guess.
